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On August 2nd 2003 I lost an angel

My beatiful golden haired daughter Amy Ann commited suicide on August 2nd.  She suffered from depression that she couldn't escape from in this world.  Simple words can't describe the wonderful person she was and pictures can never show how beautiful she was.  There were over 250 people at her funeral and the precession was 2 miles long.  She touched so many for being so young.  She was the meaning of happiness and joy to me...and i am forever changed for having her for such a brief time and now changed for losing her forever.  I love you Amy....and i miss you and cry for you every day.  My tiny dancer is now an Angel.

This is from Amy's homecoming

She was so happy on the day of her homecoming and so very beauiful.

   Amy loved making people smile!!

Amy was a silly girl with a sense of humor that was way beyond her 17 years.  She made everyone around her laugh with her jokes and just plain goofyness.  I remember one day she wore slippers to school and when stopped by the principal he told her she couldn't wear slippers to school!  Her response was to take one off...hit him in the head with it and said..."solid soled shoe...sorry pal".  Even the principal had to laugh.

Amy was a published poet and artist

Amy loved to write, she kept journals that went with her when we buried her.  They were her private thoughts.  She was also published in the Young Poets magazine and other publications.  Reading some of her poetry helped us to understand her depression, she expressed it so well.  There were also happy poetry and love songs that sing with a talent never to be realized.

 

 


No words can express the pain of losing a child, especially to suicide.  I've asked myself over and over what i could have done, her father and i tried everything but in the end....the pain of living became too much for her.  I miss her every day and cry for my losing my baby girl....my tiny dancer.

Amy at 16

Amy could be stuborn.  When her counselor and teachers said she'd never make student council...she got nominated, then elected, then she promptly resigned...she'd made her point!!



It's been over a year baby girl and I still can't believe you're gone.  The pain of losing you is still as sharp as the day they told me you were gone.  There's a bench at your grave now and Dad and I decorate it every holiday.  Oh how I miss you Amy Ann.  I'm taking care of Tiffany and Daddy like you would have wanted, you always thought I was so strong.  That was before I lost you baby girl. 

 

July, 30, 2005,

It's been almost 2 years to the day, baby girl.  Life has gone on, much to my suprise.  I got married, and you were there with us in our hearts, your sister was my maid of honor and our thoughts were on you that day, little girl. But, sweet Amy, we missed you so much that day.  There were tears of joy and tears of sorrow, because you were not there in person.  While you live always in my heart, my arms ache to hold you, my eyes burn to see you and my ears cry to hear your voice and laughter.  You are missed today as you are missed everyday, your loss will never go away and my tears will never end.

 

August 2nd, 2006,  

It's been three years now and this one is the hardest.  It seems everyone else is doing ok with it but me this time.  Not enough words, just tears. 

September 8th, 2007

4 years baby girl.  Sorry I was late with this entry, mommy finally had her neck surgery and is all healed finally.  It's been a long year without you, I'm still missing you so much it hurts to breathe.  I know this, time doesn't heal all wounds, you just get used to the pain.  I'm taking care of Daddy just like I promised and you'd be so proud of Tiff.  We're all going to see Elton John in Sioux Falls on OCT 7th, I think you sent him there to give us a birthday present.  I know you'll be there with us especially when he sings Tiny Dancer.  God, I still miss you so much, I love you so much, and little did you know, I needed you so much.  You are always in my heart baby girl, always on my mind.

 

August 2, 2008,

5 Years today my baby girl!  Daddy and I are going out to the cemetary in a bit to see you.  I love you so much and the missing you is still so very hard!  It's hard to believe you've been gone this long even harder to believe we have actually survived though barely.  I smile when I think of you and cry when missing you becomes too much.  I love you always and forever and I will never let anyone forget you even if that were possible, which, it isn't.  Your friends still miss you and talk about you constantly too.  So young and yet for those who were lucky enough to know you, so remembered and missed and loved.  I love you Amy Ann!  I miss you Amy Ann!  One day I will be with you again, one reason death will never scare me.

 

August 1st, 2009. 

6 years without you Amy Ann.  I never would have believed I could live 6 years without you.  But here I am.  My life has gone on and you are still not in it and it still hurts and I still cry and I still miss you and I still want to die with you sometimes.  That I live on and have a life seems so wrong, every good moment in my life is always with the knowledge that it is a moment without you.  I keep thinking coming here every year I'll finally find the words to express the pain of losing you but I can't do it.  Words just aren't enough.  I wish people could crawl inside me just for a second of time and feel this searing agony.  Maybe then they'd know.  Those people that complain about having a troubled teen, my god!  How would you feel if they were gone??  Would you still be bitching about their behavior then?  Would you still be angry and so self centered then?  I have news for you all, you wouldn't, you'd learn the awful way I had to.  Life isn't worth it without these wonderful, troubled and confusing angels!  Get over yourselves before it's too late and worry about your kids!  God damn it!  I miss you AMY!